My apologies for taking almost three weeks away from the blogosphere. As 2008 comes to a close my focus is sharpened and leisure time is more scarce.
I hope you all enjoyed a blessed Thanksgiving with loved ones. It's hard to believe CHRISTmas is almost upon us. Although the year has not been a blur, it has passed by rather quickly and even though the year is not over I will at least walk into 2009 with one extremely beneficial life sustaning lesson. That is: always having JOY and PEACE. I fought extremely hard for most of this year to hold on to my joy and peace. I cried out to God many many nights in tears and frustration. Not having these too major assets overflowing in my life affected most every area of my life: my performance at work, my relationships with co-workers, family and most importantly my relationship with myself.
(Here's transparent Kristen)
Basically, for most of 2008 I was depressed. Since, I'm not a doctor, I don't feel completely liberated to diagnose myself, but what I did and do know is...Kristen. Naturally, I am a happy, joyful person. This year I was the complete opposite. I was heavy burdened, unhappy and putting on a face to hide it. Mentally, I had no confidence in who God has made me to be, the person I have always been so proud to be and I could not concentrate or focus. Emotionally, I was empty and wounded. Physically, my body told the story (facial breakouts, signs of excema, sickness). Spiritually, I was broken and desperate for a major breakthrough.
I was pressing through daily emotional heartbreak and denial that the person I loved somewhere deep down inside loved me back and would show it. The first heartbreak, I assume is always the hardest. God, I hope that's the last time I will ever have to experience it. I love hard, so hard that it hurts. That may sound crazy to some...but it's honest. I don't fall in love easy, but when I do I stay there and it takes mighty mountains to move me from that place. As a result of that I spent most of the year avoiding eye contact with the opposite sex as my confidence and self esteem was so low. Feelings of interal and external rejection dominated my thoughts.
Additionally this year, I began using a product on my face that resulted in a volitale breakout that lasted for a straight month and wouldn't stop. The scars it left behind are costing me hundreds of dollars a month to correct. (Thank God for health insurance). One day I will post the before, during and soon-to-be after pictures.
I spent the greater part of this year running myself in the ground to achieve my dreams. Working 9-9 and staying up late in the studio and on the weekends in addition to stepping up my involvement at church. By July, I was physically tapped out. Most of the activities, however were band-aids for dealing with my real issues and they gave me something to talk about and to work towards.
Then finally...breakthrough came. In the form of people, intercessors, revelations, light and most importantly: JOY and PEACE. Somewhere along the way, God closed some doors, opened other doors and handed me a rainbow. The rainbow after what was almost a year long storm is my JOY and my PEACE. It's the rainbow I will always keep with me where ever I go.
Faith is an interesting force. It makes no logical sense to believe in something you can not see, touch, feel, smell and taste. But when nothing else seems to work and the world can not offer you any solutions for your issues, faith is your lifeline. It's your I-V. It's your life support.
Why am I sharing all of this with you...because someone needs to hear it. This is my record to look back at life and see how far I have come. It's my living journal to inspire, motivate and empower people.
By September, I began to see the light at the end of this tunnel only to make a right turn to continue the journey in a new direction. I wanted to put this whole year behind me as a failure and a loss. Quite the contrary. This year has been lesson after lesson after test after seed sown after prayer after cry to God till now my TESTIMONY.
Restoration is my Testimony. The Lord is balancing the scales now. My experiences were not in vain, rather preparation for a higher level. The tears were not in vain. The pain was not in vain. This year 2008 was not a waste. We really are puzzles that the Lord has the ability to put back together. He makes us whole. Not any person, not any thing, not any life changing event...just God. Without him, you really are insufficent, and without hope.
In times like the ones we are experiencing now my greatest assets are my JOY and my PEACE and an UNSTOPPABLE, UNBREAKABLE FAITH. They are my sustaining counterparts as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I'm not scared and not I'm apologetic about who God has made me to be and what he's brought me through OR where he's taking me.
I appreciate you for listening...reading, whatever. Taking it all in with me...LOL.
Till we share on the couch of Kristen again. :-)
Word of the day: Philippians 2:4
Honestly,
The Billionairess
1 comment:
:) I'm so happy you wrote this...because I needed it! You know...when I'm away from my motions, some of the things I think are so amazing, and I don't realize it until much later. Intellecutally, I don't understand why, in depression, we isolate ourselves. Why, in times of low-self esteem and unhappiness, we put on fronts when if we were open and honest, we could more than likely connect with someone who understands what we're going through...by experience, not intellection.
I write this for you and for me because this year has been so dark for me...but I moved AWAY from myself, AWAY from my faith, and AWAY from my friends...all of which would've carried me through my darkest moments.
All this to say...I feel you and you inspire me truly and constantly.
AND...I'll be in your city at the end of the year. Where will you be, globetrotter?
Post a Comment